Dear People Who Might Be Planning to Rob Me:
Obviously I am leaving town. The Internet knows this. However, I am not quite an idiot. So please note that while I am away, my apartment will not actually be empty, and in addition all of my neighbors—including the nosy ones—are on the alert for suspicious activity. And some of them are very mean old ladies.
Also, I have licked everything that I own.
Peace, love & au revoir!