The idiot sway

Whenever I read a ladies’ magazine I end up doing something I don’t want to do, like buying one of those horrible ’50s-style swimsuits or thinking I need to visit a dude ranch. Why would I visit a ranch? I don’t like outside! I haven’t been swimming in four years! This month either in Shape or Health or Real Simple there was an article on all the fun things you could use to make your own trail mix, which under the influence of this self-inflicted ladies’-magazine stupor sounded awesome, so I immediately made it my mission to go out and purchase all of these expensive, individually packaged stupid ingredients: chopped pistachios, sunflower seeds, dried cranberries, unsweetened toasted coconut flakes (perfect for baking!). I tossed them together in a Tupperware container and sat down on the sofa to feed while reading yet another ladies’ magazine, and halfway through it—as I was making a list of the products I’m going to need in order to “customize” my “anti-aging routine"—I realized I was eating something I didn’t actually want to eat, that I don’t like dried fruit, that unsweetened coconut is way too sweet, and that if I’m going to add 500 unnecessary calories to my daily intake I would rather spend it on Cheetos.

So! Ladies’ magazines finally taught me something worth learning. And now I am off to do some getting old, natural-style, while at the same time promising never to read anything called Give Us All Your Money because I think we can guess exactly how that worm might turn.