On the Wisconsin Dells

Rembert Brown explores  one of the worst wonders of the world.  

“Eventually making my way out of Midwest SciTrek, I was feeling good. The Dells weren’t all that bad. Because of this high I was riding, I decided to test the limits of my happiness.

So I went to the car, changed clothes, and I walked into Noah’s Ark, America’s largest water park.

Dells Realization No. 4: YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN IN A WATER PARK, ALONE AND WITH A BEARD AND STUDENT LOANS.

Before I could get any odd looks from the happy families, I kicked myself out. The moment came when I stood in line for a slide and was the tallest by at least 18 inches. I knew this wasn’t how things were supposed to be.

I just walked right out. Never even got wet. I’d rather “nig swig” all afternoon than frolic around that amazing water park alone. All I wanted to do was play, but everyone has that “old guy in the club” moment.”

I grew up 20 minutes away from the Dells and worked there for three summers during college and spent three nights there in June and I hate it so much.  But the day I flew back to New York, my brother and sister-in-law were taking my niece to the Kalahari for an indoor waterpark vacation and she was nearly tipping over with excitement. As they were getting ready to leave she asked me if I could go with them, and I would have sold my soul to say yes.