In June

Stop drop and roll, friends, I am back. Or at least "checking in" and "almost back." I'll be busy the next two days trying to stuff one month of my life into a 20" wheelie suitcase and oversized carry-on, but starting this weekend we will communiquer from Old Paree. On Sunday I will strap on a pair of Louboutins, light a sparkler in your honor, and run naked across the Pont de Sully screaming AMERICA AMERICA, I REALLY LOVE YOUR STATES. To repeat: I'm doing this for you, America, so I hope you're ready to contribute to my get out of French prison fund. (Funnily enough, "prison" is still "prison" even in French. Incarceration: it's the international language.)

Anyway, guess what? During the month of June, my heart grew three sizes! Now I am on the hunt for new brassieres. Thank goodness, I thought this training would never end. I also spent some time reading very smart and impassioned arguments both for and against the inclusion of comments in blogs, and the trouble with me is that all of them make sense. I have absolutely no horse in this race. So I'm enabling comments sitewide again and will turn them off at will, or simply refuse to respond when I am feeling surly. This is how you'll remember who is the Queen of the Hot Dogs and who is the condiments.

Ahoy! The logic-based level of monologue has not improved here, if that's what you were hoping for. Ditto my liberal interpretation of grammar, syntax, and punctuation.

This month I also skimmed some irritating blogs offering earnest tutorials on How To Blog, which is to say how to blog if you are this particular blogger. This is not a one size fits all enterprise, is it? Isn't that the whole point? I have no intention of following Personal Blogging 101 Tips like "no long text posts" and "how to increase your SEO" and "you must check your stats 8 billion times a day" and "the importance of marketing yourself!" Jesus Christ almighty, using a Google keyword search tool in order to write a post title? For a blog? That literally makes me want to punch people in the nose. Basically my policy for blogging is to see what's rattling around in the old brainbox and either keep it to myself or share it with you, my patient friends, by whatever means I deem appropriate and/or fun at that particular moment in time. (As Daniel Jalkut says at the Red Sweater Blog in re: twitter, "Don’t share every little facet of your life, only the charming parts.") I'm not going to plan this shit out in advance and I'm certainly not going to bend it to a single purpose in order to make it more palatable to total strangers. That's what jobs are for. Henceforth I will be offering occasional blogging tips of my own, my post titles will continue to mean nothing, and the content will

[ fill in the blank ]

Random Google News headlines I enjoyed in June:

  • Jake Gyllenhaal on Getting "Jacked Up" to Play "Prince of Persia"
  • "Jonah Hex" Star Josh Brolin Calls Horse-Mounted Gatling Gun "Funny"
  • Dads celebrate fatherhood at park

I know this aggregation "rollercoaster" is based on "thoughtful" algorithms and "intelligent" meta-parameters that scan a pre-determined list of "services," but it's tough to tell where the "news" ends and the "sense" begins, or how something as useless as "Dads celebrate fatherhood at park" manages to rise to the top of the heap. Would "Dads celebrate Satan at witch-burning ceremony" receive the same Google-endorsed promotion? Magic 8 Ball says: off the charts! (It's okay, we're almost done with ironic quotes.)

On Father's Day my father took a second out of his busy lying around schedule to tell me that being happy simply means being happy 51% of the time. That's it: be happy more than you're sad. His context was species: marriage, but I am extrapolating to genus: life. (His extrapolation was that marriage to him means being happy 99% of the time. I have not yet confirmed this math with my mother.)

Btw, here is the hierarchy of biological classification's eight major taxonomic ranks, which is an example of definition by genus and differentia; to wit, "a family contains one or more genera." So now you know. (See also: taxonomy as it applies to information architecture and content strategy, which is more useful in a lot of ways.)

Tip: Many ace bloggers like to draft their "copy" around predictable chronological narratives or boring salient themes, but that's not my style. Any idiot can make sense and type in order.

Unexpected true confession from Barbara Kingsolver in MORE magazine: "If you haven't fallen in love with the sleuth Lord Peter Wimsey by the end of Dorothy L. Sayers's Gaudy Night, then you need to extend your vacation and read a couple more in the series." Ho, no kidding Barabara Kingsolver! Now go write me another 800-page tome.

Tip: Re: June in general: I enjoy these periodic platform chases around the Internet, don't you? Fluidity is the new black, which is how I wind up with zero feed subscribers.

Also, my question is:  who wants to come to New York City in July? YUCK. I worry less about my ability to survive in Paris than I do about my cute French apartment-swap partner dying of heat stroke during a ConEd-enforced hilarious rolling blackout. But people come here precisely because it's hot, noisy, smelly, and crowded, right? This is what I'm hoping.

P.S. Still not a genius, but I'm willing to play one on TV.

My birthday wish for SarahB: "May the sun shine over your shoulder, may the rain never spit in your face."

Tip: I wish the same for you.