Cold-weather running clothes: like stuffing a sausage inside a hot dog

I hate the commercialization of Christmas as much as the next Charlie Brown, but I do believe in running out of doors in all temperatures. With clothes on. Clothes I purchased with money. At a store. So here we are: clothes you can move yet stay warm in if you're a chick who's signed up for the almost-guaranteed-to-be-frigid New Year's Eve Emerald Nuts Midnight Run in Central Park. Or are nuts in general. Feel free to self-identify; nobody has to know.

On the bottom: Nike thermal running tights — These are lined with fleece, as all warm things you sweat in should be. Mine sort of bunch up at the ankles, since I'm short, and at the hips, since I have hips. YMMV.

Sweat-wicking base layer: Nike Pro Hyperwarm Tipped long-sleeve shirt— Esp. good for very cold weather (10s/20s). Likewise fleece-lined with a tight compression fit, and long enough to compensate for those cute fortysomething bellies. (But ugh, sweat-wicking, what an unholy conglomeration of ugly words.)

Optional thin layer: Nike Dri-FIT wool v-neck — Depends on the weather. Could be worn alone if it's in the high 40s or over another shirt if it's in the 20s, etc. Made of merino wool, so it's a little scratchy, but you probably won't die from it. Or in it, unless you're mugged by a sheep. Not likely to happen, but still. Carry mace. Or a shepherd.

Optional heavy layer: The North Face Momentum thermal half-zip — Again, depends on the weather and exactly how hot you need to be; i.e., more fleece lining. It's cozy and warm but the sleeves are quite long, so this would be good if you're ever shopping for monkeys at the North Pole.

Outer layer: The North Face Animagi jacket — Very—how shall I put this?—form fitting, but with a lot of give, you know? (cf. tummy, prev.) Can effectively be worn over 1, 2, or all 3 of the above layers; it was 15 degrees in Wisconsin last week, so I was able to confirm this. Plus it has pockets for all your various gewgaws and gimcracks, etc. I carry $10, ID, keys, eyedrops, and an inhaler, which is what makes me the pick of the litter, life-wise, and also eternally single, spouse-wise.

Head layer option 1: Road Runner Sports headband — These are a dime a dozen and for some reason particularly ripe for lazy puns that could be written by robots; i.e., "You'll be ready to head out even on cool days in your Road Runner Sports Head On Out Headband." But remember: your ears are basically your brain handles, so they matter. (p.s. Kaboom! Now that's copywriting.)

Head layer option 2: Title Nine fleece beanie — Toasty! Includes one of them ponytail keyholes that never seem to function as advertised but who knows, maybe I just have the wrong style of head for this style of hat.

Hand layer: Saucony 3 Season Glove 2 — I can't think of a dumber name for a product but let's not quibble. They're only gloves, they won't have your back in a gunfight or anything.

I feel like I should close with some sort of motivational message, à la all of the weird Google Communities I follow, but I can't think of anything else to say. Go easy on the drugs, I guess. Narcan can't fix everything.