Update from my breasts: Per federally mandated guidelines (look it up), I was informed weeks ago via email & post that I needed “additional mammographic views and/or ultrasound for a complete evaluation.” Dense breasts, they said. Cool, I said. Fun stuff. So today I had both. All clear!
I didn’t go into this thinking they would find anything—what would be the point—but I definitely strike myself as the kind of person who would wander straight out of good news into the middle of a knife fight. Instead I drove to the gynecologist to chat about my ovaries.
Update from my ovaries: It’s no secret that my reproductive system and I do not see eye-to-eye. (Heh.) I get that as strong, empowered, modern groovy women we are supposed to love our bodies and the miracles they can perform and that nature made us all beautiful and blah blah blah but seriously, that is all horse shit. Fuck the fuck off. The poking and the prodding and the scraping and the scoping, the pap smears and biopsies and ultrasounds, the fibroids and the cysts, let’s just end it already. We can’t, though. Every single option sounds worse than the current state of affairs, so until everything finally just gives up on its own, this is life. Still: no surgery!
After that I picked up my Vitamin D prescription from CVS and a chocolate shake from McDonald’s and came home and took a nap.
Update from my mother: “Why on earth would you post this?!”
I don’t know. Would you rather hear it in person?