I pledge allegiance

I disagree with Mark Zuckerberg on almost everything. I think Facebook is the sarlacc from Return of the Jedi (“In its belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a…thousand years.”). I hate the “people you may know” prompts. I hate the good morning reminders (I wear a watch, Mark Zuckerberg!) and “on this day” memories (I have a memory, Mark Zuckerberg!). I hate the interests and the feeds and the pokes and the assumption that I would ever in any universe hand over my payment information, that I need Facebook scheduling events for me, that I need it wishing me happy birthday like some sad-ass robot assigned to the friendless. Every time I log in (of course I log in), I think, screw you and your pathetic ploy for world domination, Mark Zuckerberg!

So I was all ready to rag on this headline this morning (“Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan Pledge $3 Billion to Fighting Disease”), because Mark Zuckerberg can’t save the world from disease. Neither Mark Zuckerberg nor his wife nor his billions can solve everything. The arrogance! Who the fuck does he think he is? And then I stopped for a minute and collected my self-righteous cynicism and my lazy assumptions, and I thought about my favorite lines from my favorite Lorrie Moore story, and about this dear, sweet, beautiful girl, and I thought okay, Mark Zuckerberg. By all means use your billions for that. Yes and yes, and as fast as you possibly can. Go now, GO.

Cal’s son, Eugene, is seven and has cystic fibrosis. Eugene’s whole life is a race with medical research. “It’s not that I’m not for the arts,” says Cal. “You’re here; money for the arts brought you here. That’s wonderful. It’s wonderful to see you after all these years. It’s wonderful to fund the arts. It’s wonderful; you’re wonderful. The arts are so nice and wonderful. But really: I say, let’s give all the money, every last fucking dime, to science.”
— Lorrie Moore, "Dance in America," from Birds of America