My new singles ad

What do you think? This blog is going to be all lists and quizzes and Youtube videos from now on. I plan to post this one on craigslist and the bulletin board at work where people advertise for domestic servants and sell kittens and summer shares in posh hotspots. I'll be a huge hit when I stumble on a totally sweet billionaire with nothing but time and money (and me) on his hands!

One girl, 5’2”, mid-thirtyish, freckles, original teeth, clean hair, wears shoes, eats early and often, sleeps lying down and usually in a bed.* Will converse about almost anything, as long as statements are accepted as fact and not double-checked for accuracy and/or attribution. Can't sing, won't dance, doesn't like to cook. Sullen in the morning, cranky at night, solid gold between 5:00 and 5:15 P.M. or when French fries are in the room. Unlikely to visit ranches.

Likes: pina coladas, twilight, napping, the (real) color purple,** imitation crab, scrapbooking,*** '80s hair bands, Grease 2, Hollywood nights in those Hollywood hills, half a brain, and the word "gubernatorial"

Dislikes: health food, sandburs, the smell of chocolate, things that hiss or slither, pleather, robots, vomit, Rupert Holmes,**** and raindrops that keep falling on my head

Remember: bring French fries!

*That part about the bed is totally negotiable. I don’t mean to sound easy when obviously I’m both cheap and easy. Make sure to get the word out there!

**I hate the color purple.

***A lie. Not only do I not like scrapbooking, I don't even understand it. All that taping and pasting! Wouldn't you rather take a nap? I'm trying to sound creative, though, so the scrapbooking stays. I'd rather be a liar than a scrapper.

****Another lie. Rupert Holmes rocks! Without him, there would be no craigslist, and we'd all be drinking Mai Tais in the sun. Totally true; I'm telling you, don't look it up.