Have you watched this Tom Cruise video? Holy crackers, Batman! Every time I try to cut him a little slack he hits me over the head with other, more weirdly oddness and additional crazy about the eyes. I understand how it’s difficult to keep all that bottled up inside in order to present a more normal face to the world, but couldn’t he try? Instead he just keeps looping those loops and I’m forgetting why I ever loved “Cocktail” in the first place.
Anyway, the cult of me and my followers (code name: avO.cadO) encompasses all those important things other religions have overlooked for many thousands of years, such as:
Official Font: We have adopted the Lucida family as our exclusive type of choice. The beauty of this selection is in the generous range of options from which we allow you to choose: Blackletter! Bright! Sans! Our official preference is GRANDE, but you are free to experiment within these stated boundaries. We really don’t see how we can be any more accommodating than that, so please don’t waste our time by asking.
Official Puppy: The Spoodle, obviously. How this animal differs from the cockapoo isn’t entirely clear, but whatever. It rhymes with noodle and we are in love, and so therefore are you. Be in love, people! We command you.
Official Mountain: Brokeback. We think you know the reasons why: they start with a J and end with a couple aa’s and an l.
Official Mountain Range: The Alps, because Julie Andrews sang there. And then she crossed back over with total hottie Christopher Plummer (who not coincidentally is our Official Curmudgeonly Captain).
Official Soup: Butternut squash, because it contains all our favorite words except “gubernatorial.”
Official Other Favorite Word: Gubernatorial.
Official Face on a Coin: Abraham Lincoln (that’s the penny, right?). He died in pursuit of theatrics, which naturally is our Official Cause.
Official Mode of Communication: Whistling. We are all about lips and the things you can do with them. Plus it reminds us of “Anyone Can Whistle,” which isn’t necessarily true but if Stephen Sondheim believes it, by avocado so do we. Officially. We also suspect the title is purely metaphorical, and metaphors are the grease that makes life’s engine go. And that would be our Official Metaphor of Record.
Official Entertainment Enemy: AMPTP. Is there any other kind?
Official Stick Food: Corn dogs.
Official Delicious & Ostensibly Healthy Snack Dip: Guacamole. If we have to explain this one to you, you are not invited to belong. Nevertheless please donate to the cause.
Official Belief: We don’t believe in beliefs, we believe in random things and people. Remember! Believe! People!
Official Warning: The above and all other unstated basic tenets are fluid at best and therefore subject to change at will, or seasonally, whichsoever shall cometh first. Until then, go forth and conjugate many verbs.
Official Verb: Conjugate.