“And this is Jane Eyre?”

I’m mystified that no one has Youtubed my #1 favorite scene from this film, which comes 1 hour and 38 minutes in, when Jane Eyre sits by the fire in her bare, remote cottage/barn (“a breezy mountain nook in the healthy heart of England”) and is visited, briefly—oh! so briefly—by a vision of her long-lost, granite-jawed, forelock-favored love, Michael Fassbender. Outside, in the dark, the snow gathers; there is a knock at her lonely door. She listens. Another knock. She answers. It is he! They don’t bother with words—Charlotte Brontë wrote none; this scene doesn’t happen in the book, and more’s the pity—instead she steps into his snow-dappled arms and kisses him, then pulls him into the room, still bound in his embrace, with continued smooching and some epic Gothic swooning from my corner of the sofa. It lasts all of 30 seconds, so the question is, what is up, fan-vidders? Why have you failed so miserably when all I need very specifically is a clip of this scene and this scene only playing on a loop for approximately 18 hours? Somebody get on that, and thanxx in advance. Just be sure to stop the tape before he morphs into Jamie Bell.

Additional cinematic thoughts: the casting is spot on, the costumes, set design and location are to die for (so brown, so gray, so dim and bleak), but the scope and, you know, marrow of the story suffer for the running time, as these things usually do. Plus the PC insistence on trimming the (wildly racist) madwoman-in-the-attic thread down to some faint moaning and zero actual scares really neuters the plot, dramatic-thrust-wise. It’s like cutting the South from Gone with the Wind and pretending Scarlett’s just a plucky young comer with a dream.

For your entertainment pleasure, however, here’s the entire movie condensed into 3-1/2 dialogue-free minutes, although of course dialogue is the whole point of the enterprise and for me the major appeal of the book (“Jane!” “Mr. Rochester!” etc., ad infinitum). Alas no spoiler alerts here, because I presume you’re not morons. JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE NOT MORONS ARE YOU?

p.s. sweet fancy Moses!